Emotional Dishonesty

Emotional dishonesty is a frequently used defense mechanism to defend oneself from revealing one’s real motives. It is different from moral or unethical dishonesty. In moral dishonesty one is aware that one is dishonest. One is aware that one is intentionally hiding one’s real motives. In emotional dishonesty one is not aware that one is not telling the true motive for doing what one is doing. The true motive, though not immoral or unethical, is not socially acceptable or agreeable to oneself or one’s partner or others. Emotional dishonesty often involves convenient excuses or justifications for one’s behavior. Interestingly, the one who engages in emotional dishonesty will not accept the same kind of excuses in others.

An emotionally dishonest person wants to please others. He or she is very sensitive to any criticism; he/she feels not appreciated by the one who constructively criticizes or even offers helpful suggestions; and is likely to repeat the same mistakes. This person can be often very committed and helpful; is led by likes and dislikes; emotions are not generally modulated by reason; can be impulsive and aggressive; does not mutually reciprocate; rarely apologizes, and does often think that he or she is the one who suffers rather than the one who causes the suffering. He or she is likely to use projection as a defense mechanism. If you were to tell this person, for instance, that he or is not aware of what is going on within, he or she will likely shoot right back: “You are the one who is not aware.” It will be difficult to carry on a rational conversation with this person or even agree to disagree in an agreeable way.

An emotionally dishonest person has no time for introspection, self-reflection, and meditation; keeps self very busy often engaging in valuable and helpful activities; and can be very caring and loving. This person spends time listening to the so-called experts; is less likely to have own considered opinion; and is unlikely to be creative and experimenting. In marriage if one partner is well-intentioned but emotionally dishonest, the other partner tries to adjust in great tolerance and love without rocking the boat too much while not compromising one’s own truth. It is a difficult balancing indeed.

Swami Snehananda Jyoti